Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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