if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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