he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize