look no pants
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
