our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
