Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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