dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The Olympian is in my bed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
