I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
