peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize