plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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