His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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