life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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