Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
