Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
