The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
