Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
