Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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