I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
