Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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