When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
