DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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