In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
