i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is Oprah even human
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
