Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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