In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
