Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
