my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
