lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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