Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
