dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she told me i tasted like america
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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