I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
