he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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