I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
