I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
