From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
