Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
