Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
