Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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