he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
