if you like me you must not know who I am
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
