Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
that is very illegal...i love you.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
