listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
