went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize