She's JV to your varsity
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
