Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
