SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
