A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Pants are for mortals
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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