You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
