i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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