ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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