the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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