and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
