"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
