"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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