tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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