a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
