i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
