Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
